And why the rest of us are quietly losing our minds about it.
I’ve had a few managers in my life. Some were wonderful. Some… made me question the entire concept of leadership. And the more I observe workplaces — across industries, countries, and job levels — the more I realise something uncomfortable:
Many people become managers not because they can lead, but because they were good at something completely different.
It’s like promoting the best violinist to conduct the orchestra. Except the new conductor doesn’t know how to wave the stick, hates talking to people, and spends most of the performance staring at the ceiling.
But hey — they were great at violin, so here we are.
The Accidental Manager Pipeline
A lot of companies follow the same logic: “You’re good at your job. Congratulations, you’re now in charge of humans.”
No training. No evaluation of empathy. No check for communication skills. No curiosity about whether the person even wants to manage.
And then we act surprised when:
- they avoid difficult conversations
- they look upward for approval, not downward for responsibility
- they don’t develop their team
- they freeze when conflict appears
- they treat leadership like a performance review checklist
I once had a manager who barely opened his mouth. When he did, nobody could hear him. A woman with that communication style wouldn’t even make it past the first interview, but somehow he was leading a team.
Leadership, apparently, is optional.
The Gendered Leadership Trap
Let’s talk about the elephant in the meeting room: There are way too many men in management — and most of them are white.
And before anyone says “meritocracy,” let’s be honest. Women often have to become a version of a man to be taken seriously. Strong. Assertive. Unshakeable. And preferably with no personal life, because leadership apparently requires sacrificing your entire existence.
Meanwhile, men can be:
- quiet
- awkward
- conflict‑avoidant
- emotionally unavailable
…and still be seen as “leadership material.”
Women? If they’re quiet → not confident enough. If they’re assertive → too aggressive. If they’re emotional → unstable. If they’re calm → passive.
It’s a lose‑lose situation wrapped in a performance review.
And then there’s the “team bonding” problem. At one workplace, the men played soccer every week. Women weren’t invited. Not intentionally — just thoughtlessly. But how do you progress when the real networking happens on the field, not in the office?
The Chameleon Colleague
Every workplace has that one person who transforms into a completely different species the moment a manager walks by.
I once had a colleague who:
- changed his personality
- adopted new hobbies
- introduced his whole family to our manager
- tried to go to concerts with him
- basically became a human golden retriever
Everyone laughed, but the truth is: the system rewarded him for it.
This is what happens when proximity matters more than performance. People start performing loyalty instead of doing their jobs.
And honestly, it’s embarrassing for everyone involved.
The Introvert Tax
Sometimes people debate so passionately in meetings that they forget other humans exist. The loudest voices dominate, and the quieter ones — often the most thoughtful — never get a chance to speak.
Introverts aren’t less intelligent. They’re just less noisy.
But workplaces reward noise. Visibility. Confidence. Self‑branding.
I was raised to believe that good work speaks for itself. Then I entered the workplace and realised it only whispers — and only if someone important is listening.
And if you’re an introverted woman? Good luck. People expect bubbly, energetic, charismatic leadership from women — but a thoughtful, quiet man is still considered “deep.”
Gatekeeping: The Modern Feudal System
Managers are the modern rulers of the workplace. They control:
- opportunities
- visibility
- references
- promotions
- reputations
Power changes people. Some become generous and empowering. Others become petty, territorial, and obsessed with being the smartest in the room.
Even when I worked at a cinema, I saw it. Some supervisors thrived — they lifted others up, made the team better, and genuinely enjoyed leading. Others misused their tiny bit of authority and treated people badly, as if the popcorn machine had crowned them royalty.
Leadership is a personality test, not a job title.
The Manager Who Pretends Nothing Is Wrong
Another type of manager I’ve encountered is the one who refuses to deal with conflict. You know the type — they sit tight, smile politely, and pretend everything is fine while the team slowly falls apart behind them.
I once had a manager who watched a conflict unfold for months.
People were stressed.
People were avoiding each other.
And he just… sat there.
Like a decorative plant with a job title.
And when it finally reached breaking or more like quitting point, he told me how hard it was for him. As if witnessing conflict from a safe distance was the same as living through it.
Good leaders don’t avoid conflict.
They address it.
They mediate.
They protect their team.
They don’t wait until the damage is irreversible and then talk about their own discomfort.
The Emotional Toll Nobody Talks About
Bad leadership doesn’t just affect your work. It affects your body.
When I’ve had bad managers, I’ve experienced:
- sleepless nights
- stomach pain
- anxiety before work
- the Sunday blues starting at 2 p.m.
- that sinking feeling in your chest when you open your laptop
Some workplaces even offer “mental health days,” which tells you everything you need to know about how common this is.
And here’s the thing: We mirror our managers.
If your manager trusts you, you rise to the occasion. You feel capable. You feel brave. You feel like you can do anything.
But if your manager:
- gives you intern‑level tasks
- cuts you off in meetings
- sidelines you
- micromanages you
- or treats you like you’re incompetent
…then of course you start doubting yourself.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not good. It means you’re not being given the environment to thrive.
You can be a plant — but even a plant needs sunlight.
The Immigrant Angle
I know people who were managers in their home countries but, after moving abroad, found themselves starting from scratch. New culture. New expectations. New biases. New rules of visibility.
Some never made it back into leadership. Some changed careers entirely.
It’s not about talent. It’s about access.
When Leadership Fails Completely
I heard about someone who became a manager despite having terrible social skills and openly disliking other women. Her entire team quit within months.
That tells you everything you need to know.
People don’t only leave companies. They leave managers.
The Reference Culture Trap
Another reason people stay silent is the reference culture.
“Don’t speak up — you need a reference.” “Don’t challenge anything — it might affect your future.”
But here’s the irony: Some managers won’t give you a good reference anyway. Unless they want to get rid of you too.
So you stay quiet, tolerate bad behaviour, and hope for a sentence on a piece of paper that may or may not help you.
Is it worth it? I’m not convinced.
The Myth of Meritocracy
We’re told workplaces are meritocracies. Work hard. Be good. People will notice.
But in reality:
- networking matters more
- visibility matters more
- self‑promotion matters more
- being liked matters more
And not everyone is good at self‑branding. Not everyone wants to perform confidence. Not everyone wants to become a chameleon.
Some people just want to do good work.
What Good Leadership Actually Looks Like
A good leader:
- listens
- protects
- develops people
- creates space for quieter voices
- aligns strengths with roles
- doesn’t need to be the smartest in the room
And the beautiful thing is: When you help others thrive, you naturally look like a good leader.
No performance required.
Closing Thought
Leadership isn’t about titles or visibility. It’s about responsibility.
And here’s the hopeful part: Good leadership exists. You feel it in your body. You grow under it. You become braver, more capable, more yourself.
Maybe the future of work isn’t about finding perfect managers — but about recognising the environments where we can actually thrive.
Because everyone deserves a workplace where they don’t have to shrink to fit.
For more on why so much of our effort goes unseen — and why it matters — you can read my related post here.
