The Life We Imagined
“Having it all” is one of those phrases that gets thrown around so much that it almost loses its meaning.
The idea is simple enough. You should be successful at work. You should be present and patient at home. You should be healthy, financially secure, emotionally stable, calm, grateful, constantly growing, and somehow still have hobbies and a social life.
Basically, you should be everything, everywhere, all at once, without breaking.
It is an impossible standard, especially for women and mothers, but honestly for everyone.
It is funny how we imagine our lives when we are kids or young adults before we start working. We think the world is at our feet. We can be anything. We will have a family by a certain age, a loving husband or wife, and love will be enough. We imagine a happy ending where we endure every hardship together and everything somehow works out.
Then real life starts.
We start working, we have relationships, we make mistakes, we change our minds, and sometimes reality hits hard. We find ourselves disappointed because we thought we would achieve something by a certain age, but now we are ten years older and still feel just as far away from it as we were at the beginning.
Who Decided We Should Have It All?
Sometimes I don’t know if this pressure to “have it all” comes from inside us or from the outside world. Maybe it starts as an external expectation and then becomes something we internalise.
Where does it come from?
Who decides what a successful life looks like?
If you have children earlier, is that better? Or should you focus on your career first? Should you travel? Buy a house? Have hobbies? Build a business? Save for retirement?
Should you do everything all at once?
I often feel that people who succeed in one area of life may struggle in another. We know successful managers, CEOs and executives who have impressive careers but little time for family, hobbies, or themselves. Then there are people who are incredible mothers, fathers, partners or friends, but their careers never really become a priority.
Of course, there are people who seem to have everything together, but I wonder how much of that is actually true.
Maybe every choice comes with a cost.
Maybe nobody gets everything.
Maybe we just get different combinations of things.
Can Anyone Really Have Everything?
Can you actually have it all?
Do you even have enough time?
A career, family, friendships, hobbies, exercise, personal growth, date nights, good sleep, healthy meals, and some time for yourself. When you list it all out, it already sounds exhausting.
And then there is the reality of everyday life.
After a long day at work, can you really still show up at home at 100%? Can you be fully present for your children, partner, friends, and yourself after spending eight or more hours somewhere else?
Sometimes I wonder how much time we truly spend with the people we love. We separate in the morning, spend most of our day apart, and then try to fit a whole relationship into a few hours before bedtime.
I am not saying it is impossible. I am just saying it is hard.
It’s Only 20 Minutes
One thing that always makes me smile is when people say things like:
“Just do Duolingo for 15 minutes a day.”
“Read for 20 minutes before bed.”
“Exercise for half an hour.”
“Meditate for 10 minutes.”
“It’s only a few minutes.”
Is it?
Because somehow all of these “few minutes” start adding up very quickly.
When you have a child, you don’t necessarily have endless little pockets of free time throughout the day. Most of the time, you have one small window when they are asleep.
And that time is already spoken for.
Maybe you want to spend time with your partner. Maybe you have work to finish. Maybe there are dishes in the sink. Maybe you want to work on a hobby. Maybe you simply want to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing because you are exhausted.
People often talk about time as if it is the only resource we need.
But energy matters too.
An hour when you’re fresh and motivated is very different from an hour at 9:30pm when you’ve already worked all day, made dinner, cleaned up, played with your toddler, negotiated bedtime, and answered a few emails.
Sometimes the real question isn’t whether I have 20 minutes.
It’s whether I have 20 minutes and the energy to use them.
And honestly, sometimes the answer is no.
Maybe We Are Comparing Ourselves to an Imaginary Person
I also wonder if part of the problem is that we compare ourselves to people who don’t actually exist.
Not real people, anyway.
We look at one person with a great career.
Another person who travels the world.
Another person who runs marathons.
Another person who has a beautiful family.
Another person who seems calm, organised and always has a clean house.
And somehow we create a fictional person in our minds who has all of those things at once.
Then we compare ourselves to that imaginary person.
No wonder we feel like we’re falling behind.
Life Comes in Seasons
The older I get, the more I notice that priorities change.
What felt incredibly important at twenty may not feel important at all at forty.
At one stage of life, you might be focused on building a career. At another, you might care more about spending time with your family. Some years are about growth and ambition. Other years are about stability and simply making it through the day.
Maybe the problem is that we think “having it all” means having everything at the same time.
What if it doesn’t?
What if life comes in seasons?
What if some years are for building, some are for raising children, some are for exploring, and some are simply for resting?
Maybe having it all is not about squeezing every possible experience into a single day, week, or decade.
Maybe Having It All Means Having Enough
Maybe having it all is really about having enough.
Enough time with your family.
Enough work to challenge you.
Enough hobbies to bring you joy.
Enough quiet moments to hear your own thoughts.
Enough space to be yourself outside of your responsibilities.
I think the main point is finding some balance. Not perfect balance, because I am not sure that exists, but a balance that works for you.
When you have a family, it becomes even more important. Spend time with your family. Keep a hobby, even if you can only do it when the kids are asleep. Take some time for yourself, even if it is only ten minutes with a cup of tea and a little bit of silence.
Perhaps “having it all” was never about doing everything.
Perhaps it is about knowing what matters most right now and being okay with letting the rest wait.
The older I get, the less I believe in having it all.
I believe more in having enough.
You Might Also Enjoy: Why Comparison Hurts and How to Heal Your Relationship With It. If you’ve ever felt behind in life, comparison may be part of the reason. A reflection on why we compare ourselves to others and how to build a healthier relationship with comparison.
